For me ending the year with pink eye and weird bleeding gums seems about right.

Here is a picture of me finishing the Atlantic City Half-Marathon in 2013.

–– my wife dropped her phone earlier today (5c) and now it has the most bad-ass looking tone/color to the screen and all the pix she takes look like that too, but it's not real––they are just normal-looking pix when she texts me –– there is a lot about perception/reality inherent in the aftermath of this phone drop, and I just wanted to share this with the world on my blog ––

-jeff

I'm in charge of my company's (day job y'all) Twitter account and there are certainly worse tasks in this world but jesus christ all of the Trump Thoughts™ I need to look at/consider. I've been able to successfully purge all Trump-related news / politics in general from my life, except for two arenas. This Twitter account and the stupid TVs at my gym, half of which are on 24-hour cable news channels which cover Trump roughly 98% of the time. I watch movies at the gym but these TVs are giant, looming in pretty much everyone's sightline (it's a Planet Fitness, if that reference works for you––I believe all of their gyms are set up the same way). My previous gym was $30 more a month but only had individual TVs on each machine. Starting to think the extra $360/year was worth it to save me from this hellacious distraction.

Here's an email I just wrote to my brother

re my thoughts on last night's 10-7 Giants victory over the Cowboys.

I don't think I slept almost 8 hours, oh well

I purchased a knock-off FitBit™ primarily to track my sleep and after one night, the results are in! Unfortunately, they're not at all accurate imo. Let's take a closer look, little froggie.

New bit of art

I call this Ultra. Maybe it will be an album cover one day.

Trying to win this fannypack on ebay. Currently at $1.17 with free shipping with 12 hours to go! Please don't bid on it thank you!!

'mashup' idea: "ICE ICE LADY"

---

METHOD: Take Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" but when you get to the "baby" line in the chorus, insert Styx's "LADY!" from their hit song, "Lady."

RESULTS: Collect unknowable but vast profits.

The "Sharing" Economy

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 22 JULY 2014

"Welcome to the new age."
                      -Imagine the Dragons

Hear me out…

Could not PAY ME to listen to Francesa today.

(...You could probably pay me. Would do it for like $20 maybe $10...)

I HAVEN'T WATCHED A SINGLE EPISODE OF SNL SINCE BALDWIN STARTED DOING TRUMP. FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I CAN REMEMBER TOTALLY ABANDONING THE SHOW. IT FELT WEIRD THAT THEY WERE CONSTANTLY HUMANIZING THIS GUY WHO ALREADY SEEMED SO COMICALLY DERANGED THAT HE WAS BEYOND PARODY? LIKE HOW WAS ALEC BALDWIN DOING THE TRUMP VOICE AT ALL FUNNY? THE SHOW HAS BASICALLY SUCKED FOR MOST OF THE LAST 5-10 YEARS. NOW I HOPE IT GETS CANCELED.

Sports don't sleep.

Necessary viewing.

AN APPRECIATION OF THE ANJOU 🍐 (HOT FIRE FRUIT OF THE GODS)

Yo. I'm feeling pretty shitty here in Philadelphia. It's raining. But guess what? Anjou pears fucking rule and I want to tell the world about them. That's all I got to say.

DREAMLOG:

6,666 people voted for Clinton in 'my ward'

Whoa. Nice. I take heed in this. That the majority of my neighbors aren't lunatics. We can only keep our neighborhoods strong and move on from there imo. I don't know really know what that means though. Sorry, I'm just into sports and shit. [Source.]

COMIBINE W OTHER ELECTION POST

At least Bill Belichick is happy

Legit (low 🔑?) love the fake Hillary phone commercial.

This is a glimpse inside my brain.

I'm watching a latenight talkshow and I can't imagine how they've been doing Trump jokes for however long it's been. It literally feels like everyone involved––the host, the writers, the audience––is just going through the motions. It's very weird. I can't wait for this segment of culture to die. I feel like it's not going to be too long.

How exciting is the #FunBelt?

They literally ran a segment right before the second half of Arkansas St. vs Georgia St. that just counted down the largest student body populations in the conference. It was amazing.

Scenes from my run

2016 OCTOBER 25 | ~4:30-5:00PM

SMASHVILLE GETS AN A

Bolton's Hot 🐓 & 🐟

OH HELL YEA

Shoutouts to my uber driver's pink lights.

At a sports bar called Fuse inside this resort. Love a mega sports bar like this. Although I'm sure food is trash.

Should I go to the pool ? I'm already drinking the tap water! 💦

Something one sees when they're at a gigantic fancy resort in Nashville, Tennessee. #GoIslanders

I'm in Nashville

Traveling is stressful. It's like two trains, a plane, and a car for me to get to Nashville from Philadelphia and I have to make sure my body is in the right place each time and I have to make sure my brain does all the right things and acquires the correct passes to give to people to let me travel on these modes of transportation. For example, I needed to get a metal token at a stand for the first train, a tiny little ticket from a window for the second one (which I'm on now) and then I'll have to go to a kiosk at the airport to get that pass. Don't even get me started on the rest of the airport experience! The last part of the journey—a taxi to my hotel—is arguably the least stressful part because I just have to find a cab and tell the person where I want to go. We've complicated things, us humans. Don't ask me why or how but that's what we did. Best bet is to just roll with it. Enjoy the ride.

See ya tomorrow, N'Ville!

COMBINE ALL NASHVILLE POSTS INTO 1 - jeff

JUST DID THIS FF TRADE AND FEEL V NERVOUS. I'M TRADING AWAY DUDES ON THE LEFT. I AM NOW -1 DREADLOCKED PLAYERS (NET). :(((

Just an enjoyed a nice breakfast. Now it's onto daycare to drop off daughter-> 60min on gym watching the beginning of the above film. This movie has some sex stuff in it apparently and I usually try to avoid movies like that on the gym stairmaster. But we're all adults, right? What's the big deal? It's kind of odd that I don't worry about watching movies at the gym which have gratuitous violence at all, but god forbid there's a nipple on my screen. What's that all about? We gotta change this culture imo. And that culture starts with me (and the movies I choose to watch on the gym stairmaster).

RU 4 LIFE

I went to Project Pabst at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia

$AFETY $AVE$

Have always loved grocery stores. This is a good one. I think it's mostly because of positive childhood memories, like getting sliced cheese fed directly to my mouth at the deli. And the colors. All of the brands and logos. The varying temperatures from aisle to aisle. I feel very much at peace inside a good grocery store.

Legit the best iPhone app for Blogger™ I've ever found

I'm so psyched right now. This app BLOGO (lol) is the real deal. Expect more posts directly from my phone y'all. Very excited on this Sunday morning. Xmas dang came early!

V I R A L _ H U M A N S

UNITE

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND I REALIZED I SLEPT A LITTLE LONGER/BETTER THAN I HAD THE LAST FEW NIGHTS AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS GREAT. IT WAS STILL RAINING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO GET MY DAUGHTER OUT OF HER CRIB. SHE HAS BEEN A+ EXCITED TO GET OUT OF THAT CRIB THIS WEEK. VERY CUTE. MY WIFE MADE HER WAFFLES WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND SPRINKLES ON THEM. SHE ALSO ATE MOST OF A BANANA. IT WAS RAINING, SO I DROVE HER TO DAYCARE INSTEAD OF WALKING. AFTERWARDS I WENT TO THE GYM WHERE I FINISHED WATCHING THE MOVIE SELMA. THEN I WENT TO THE STORE TO GET FOOD AND BEER. THEN I WENT TO WAWA TO GET COFFEE. THEN I CAME BACK HOME. I MADE THIS VIRAL VIDEO. I WANT TO BE A VIRAL HUMAN AND I WANT MY LIFE TO BE A STREAM OF VIRAL VIDEOS. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. WE CAN ALL BE V.H.'S AND WE CAN ALL LIVE IN THIS NEW VIRAL UNIVERSE. LET'S WATCH FOOTBALL AND DRINK BEER AND MAKE CONTENT FOREVER.

Reddit scares the hell out of me, but the one page I check in with frequently is this one which just links to full movies on YouTube, which I then download and save on an external hard drive. Don't judge me. Sometimes I get some A+ insight and commentary from the greats, like squidfartz.

OREGON DUCKS FINALLY ACHIEVED PEAK UNIFORM DESIGN

That's it, folks. They Ducks finally did it. The uniform experiment must end. And it must end NOW. My take:

For the past 75-100 years or something like that, the Oregon U football squad has been literally wearing a different uniform design for every single game they've played. This recruiting gimmick/schtick has been fruitful. The Ducks have been the class of the Pac (12). But with the announcement and release that this weekend's uniform is going to look like an actual duck (see left) the experiment needs to end. These are pretty much the coolest uniforms ever. Short of gluing some actual feathers to them I'm not sure how they could be improved. I love them. Do all your loyal fans a favor, OU, and stick with the duck style. #DuckStyle4Life

EXCELLENT TEXT FROM A FRIEND.

SHAM CONNECTIONS

Forgotten dream??

This Story Was Originally Written/Published on 03.19.11

🔺 warning: it is from the realm of dreams 🔺

I am on a plane. This plane is definitely crashing. But am I the cause? A few moments early I accidentally hit a button while looking out the window, and it seems to have caused this. I am with a friend, I think it's my friend Brendan. He says something about going to upstate New York, maybe. I did not know this is where we were going. The plane is far too low to the ground. I momentarily feel that I am going to die and it feels peaceful. However, out of nowhere, a runway appears. We touch ground. The pilot's voice announces that he is sorry we had to do an emergency landing but that we should still hold on, that something is still wrong. The plane is no longer on the runway. We are in the woods and then a maybe part of a very rural town with lots of non-symmetrical architecture. Everything is a blur. Are we dying? Is this too much? Eventually we stop moving. I don't know how, but I am magically outside of the plane, which is now a wrecked piece of metal stuck to a giant slab of concrete. A horde of townspeople or airport employees come running towards the plane. They are screaming for the people inside to stay calm, but they are so panicky and excited that they sound like they are speaking in tongues. They seem to all be wearing navy blue jumpsuits. I want to help. Somehow a blue and yellow, flaccid tube shoots out of one of the windows. Its material and style remind me of an outdated windbreaker jacket. It is not dissimilar to one of those dancings things they fill with air outside of used car lots. People enter into this thing one at a time and it becomes an unwilling cocoon. They squirm and need help to free themselves. I do not know what has happened to the people in the matching navy blue jumpsuits. It seems I am alone. I help a few people out of the tube. It feels like this thing is a womb, that this plane is a gigantic woman, that this is childbirth. I am the doctor. Then I hear the sounds of another body emerging but this time it is different. The lump at the bottom of the tube is small and not moving. I look down the sheath and see a baby. It is difficult but I pluck the baby out and lay her on the grass. I am concerned about this baby.

Eventually, I don't remember how, I am carrying the baby through a hospital, down cavernous halls, aimlessly and without purpose. The halls are unnaturally wide and tall. It feels like it is a hospital in a very depressed area, everything is stagnant and dirty. The baby girl's eyes are a kind of blue that is not exist in real eyes in real life. I must have put her in a shoebox because that is what she is in, but I don't remember doing that. I stop a few people and tell them what happened, why I am carrying a strange baby in a shoebox, but no one is of any help. They seem irritated by my asking. It seems like this hospital is nearly vacant. I can hear echos. I am terrified but oddly happy that I have this new baby in a shoebox in my arms. She is all smiles and baby laughing.

Some amount of time passes and I see my girlfriend outside one of the rooms. In real life my girlfriend loves babies, has very recently become an aunt, but she acts indifferent towards me and the baby, maybe even a little pissed off. I am confused. I am losing control. It is becoming like the crashing plane again. We get into a fight and insult one another. I must have put the shoebox down. It gets heated. It is the worst fight we have ever had. Where is the shoebox? Eventually, suddenly, we are naked. And we begin to have sex. I don't know what has become of the baby. I don't know what is going on. I wake up.

AS PROMISED

so i gave me self a haircut ...

I Rule the iRulu