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Wednesday, July 27, 2016



Still a dog. It checks out.
Decided I am retiring from fantasy football. I can't accurately assess the value of Le'Veon Bell and Josh Gordon and it's driving me nuts.


Gonna write about a dream I had last night if that's OK.
So I am hanging with a friend of mine who, in this dream, is apparently a standup comic who is either already a writer on SNL or is gonna possibly be involved with SNL in some way (?). Anyway––again, in this dream––I also have dreams of being on SNL apparently. So this friend gets me a weird meeting with some head honcho type at SNL, but it's only a pre-meeting. And I am sitting on a couch with two random people and my friend, and the only point of this meeting is that the guy behind the desk is going to pick two of us for a pre-audition "improv session" and it is very tense. I can recall talking a lot with my friend about what exactly the point of improv is and why people enjoy (disclosure: I can't stand it IRL).

The two random people on this couch are a nondescript lady and an Asian man, who is maybe a few years younger than me. Oh, and here's the real kicker in this dream: I AM PART-ASIAN. I am not sure how/why I am aware of this fact (which is not at all a reality FYI) but in this dreamworld, I am. So, the first person picked for this thing is my friend and that choice seems like a foregone conclusion to everybody in the room like, "yeah of course, duh, he's gonna get picked." The real tense part is who among myself and the two strangers will be picked and it feels like it is definitely gonna be either me or the other Asian guy (LOL). And––surprise!––it's me! The other Asian guy is devastated but I feel elated. Let's do some improv!

So of course, the next part of the dream involves getting on a school bus with a seemingly deranged female bus driver with wild hair. My friend is on the bus, as are a few other familiar faces, some of whom question the authenticity of my being part-Asian, which makes sense because in reality I AM NOT AT ALL ASIAN NO NO NO NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. But, alas, I continue to defend myself. The bus makes its way out of the city and into a very hilly and picturesque countryside, and maybe at this point I am confused why I am even on this bus to begin with. Maybe, in fact, these were two separate dreams and I am just synching them together in the stress of my waking life, right here and now, a desperate attempt to make sense of this absurdity. Who knows.

As previously stated, this bus driver is insane and she is driving insane. We are speeding. We are going way too fast. We approach a steep decline at a great velocity and the bus takes off into the air. It feels very real, this wreck. The bus does a straight-on 180° flip and lands upside down. This flip feels like it takes 15 seconds. While we are airborne I wrap myself around one of the bus seatbacks like an animal on a tree trunk and I literally pray I won't die. Someone on the bus audibly says, in an eerily calm voice, "Well, this is it." This IS it, fella. It feels like we are all going to die, but when the bus comes to a stop, almost everyone is alive and screaming.

I lead the charge to get the F off this bus. It's pretty chaotic and people are bleeding. I kick open a window and deploy one of those slide-thingies you typically see people using on downed airliners. Why would a bus have this thingie? Please. But the thingie is basically useless and doesn't even fully inflate. A man who looks like Penn from Penn & Teller yells at me for doing it wrong. My leg hurts. I can't win. I wake up.

Shame. Folks if she can't clean up Philadelphia how is she gonna clean up the world let alone The Big Garbage Dump, AKA Washington.

Good morning, all creatures.