SportsPost™: My New York Giants, in flux


I chocked. I was in first place in my "Pick 5 games" NFL against-the-spread gambling league, holding down a two-game lead before Week 17, and I blew it. I went 1-4. One of the dudes tied for second went 5-0^. One of my picks was the Gmen -3. I still believe it was a nice 'value play', seeing as how the number rose to 5.5 at one point^. But this post isn't about sports bets or football picks.

I took the picture you see above in the Port Richmond neighborhood of Philadelphia. Fandom is really weird. An adult decided it would be a good idea to display a giant monkey person dressed in a sports costume on the roof of his house. But we think about this stuff all the time and occasionally we obsess. So I can relate to that giant monkey Giant: he is the manifestation of this thinking in a physical form, similar to how the Statue of Liberty represents freedom. I will take my grandchildren to peer up at his oddly caucasian monkey skin^. One can only hope he never deflates.

This post won't be too long. This content will be over soon. I just need a place to state MY opinion on MY New York Football Giants, a professional sports franchise, in flux. Some people get unduly agitated when other people refer to pro teams with qualifiers such as "my" or "we"––"You aren't part of the team!" they screech. To that I say, relax. Let us have this. It's all pretend anyway. The white lines on the green field. Why these boundaries? You don't have to be on the payroll to belong. In fact, it's probably better if you're not. #EndCapitalism (what?)

The Football Giants will be making some changes to their organization soon, allegedly. Head Coach Tom Coughlin will almost certainly be fired, or 'allowed' to resign (gracefully or otherwise^). To what degree other major moves might happen is ambiguous at this point. My (hot) take? I am in favor of a full house-cleaning. Not because I am a destructive person who likes to see things blown up for the hell of it. It just feels after 12 seasons that this thing has run its course. No Giants fan can deny the two championship runs. They can't deny the mediocrity before and in between either. And they certainly can't deny the ineptitude of this last season. It's not hyperbole to say that the team's coaching, strategy, game management, etc. has been historically bad. The NFC East was horrible and the Giants should've and could've won it.

BUT––all that said––this actual team was still really bad. Like, their players were not good. DC Spags is probably gonna get the axe too, but I actually think he did an admirable job with what, imo, was easily the worst defensive roster in the league. That booboo falls on the GM, Jerry Reese, and it's a big one. This was the product of years of mismanagement in free agency, poor player personnel decisions and really bad draft picks. It didn't happen overnight.

So it just seems logistically easier to start from scratch. Hire a new General Manager and work with him on deciding who the new coach will be. Let the new coach pick all his own assistants. When these transitions are done piecemeal they never seem to work out. I literally have no evidence to back this up, but it's a thought I had. I typed in into my computer. That's where we are.

I will have fond memories of this era, obviously. I hope Tom Coughlin actually gets another job. I hope he coaches in this league till he's 100. He was consistently amusing, and a great coach (less consistently). Despite what Moose was blathering on about during the broadcast yesterday, he was never a conservative in-game coach^. He was adventurous and aggressive, and his teams played that way. It became a cliché, but there was a time when no team wanted to play us regardless of what our record was. And by no team I mean the Patriots... in the Super Bowl. Sick burn.

I was born in 1981 and this was by far the longest era I've endured watching my favorite sports team, which––hopefully, as I established earlier––I consider to be more like a big dumb buddy/imaginary friend, rather than a faction of a corrupt, billion-dollar corporation. Here's a list of every coach they've had since I've been alive, with a brief recollection + a \_(ツ)_/ or a (ᵔᴥᵔ) grade:

Ray Perkins, 1979-1982: I was an infant baby, so... GRADE: \_(ツ)_/ (please change my diaper)

Bill Parcells, 1983–1990: I was just coming into my own as a Gints fan after his second Super Bowl. I'll never have the warm, fuzzy feeling some fans have for him because I actually remember him more as the annoying coach of three teams I hated: The Pats, Jets and Cowboys. GRADE: (ᵔᴥᵔ) (on general principle)

Ray Handley, 1991–1992: Almost comically unmemorable. GRADE: \_(ツ)_/ (and then some)

Dan Reeves, 1993–1996: Came out of the gates with a nice first season where they won their first playoff game since the SBXXV victory. Tenure probably best remembered for The Snowball Game. GRADE: \_(ツ)_/ (❅)

Jim Fassel, 1997–2003: Dare I say, underrated. Still shocked he never got another chance in the NFL. Our offenses were fun and wide open. GRADE: (ᵔᴥᵔ) ("This team is going to the playoffs")

Tom Coughlin, 2004-present: GRADE: (ᵔᴥᵔ) (42 & 46)

So what do I think will actually happen? I feel that it's looking more and more like the whole coaching staff will be gone. And the new HC will be a really boring and largely unpopular choice. He will probably be an older white dude^. This has been the Giants' M.O. all my life. Sometimes, it works out (Coughlin) and sometimes it doesn't (Handley, Reeves). I can't see them going after a college coach or a wildcard like Chip Kelly, but we'll see. I think he probably deserves to go, but my gut says that Reese will be back. This is what I think.

I can't believe I spent so much time writing this. I've got 57 novels to write and 240 albums to record. Jesus christ.

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