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Orrville & Abanda

Linda Brito lives in Brazil and is a real person. But for the purposes of our story her name is Lynne Burrito and she resides in Abanda. There are places so small, she tells me, that they don’t even exist at all. You think, a place could never be smaller than a person but that just isn’t true. Take Linda, who you’ve inserted into this book without her permission. You should tell the reader why she’s here. She’s bigger than the whole planet and then some. 

     Yes, but first an aside: Lynne Cheney greets customers at El Burrito Mercado, a grocery store and cafeteria in the heart of St. Paul's Latino commercial district, in St. Paul, Minnesota, Monday, February 23rd, 2004. That happened. Lynne Cheney is Lynne Burrito, who is Linda Brito, who, for reasons unknown, “liked” the Abanda, Alabama Facebook page. And that’s why we’re here. On Friday, April 25th, 2014, yours truly became the 14th human to “like” the Abanda, Alabama. 14 out of 7,000,000,000. 2 out of 14. 1 in 7. Not bad. 

     Lynne Cheney is married to Dick, who is a dick. Neither half of the Second Couple “like” Abanda, Alabama, and, friends, that is downright un-American. 

     What would you say to Linda if she stumbled upon this page? I’d like to think that you’d tell Linda you’re sorry and that you value her privacy too much to follow through and publish this nonsense. And that isn’t a bad thought. I am a man. Linda is Interested In Men but she is Married. Some thoughts aren’t apt to conveniently jive: I think that’s what I’d tell her. Something like that. 

     Some characters deserve sister-ghosts so that the action and conflict can be processed, transcribed and delivered without inflicting pain on the living. I’ll never make it to São Paulo, Linda. It’s not in the cards. So let Lynne (B.) live in this place that you “like” and never worry where her fortunes reside. If it’s raining in Brazil, I hope you are dry. Even if it was raining before, but not raining now, I hope you are dry. Because this is just historical material, "frozen in time," if you will. The world is no longer updated and links to external worlds and some countries will not work.


     Shine challenged Man-Man to a fight when they moved The Plantation to another place. That wasn't the reason for the fight. The reason for the fight was on occasion of The Dollar General General, model civilian as he was, shooting and killing a gunman inside the store. The gunman had just corralled some hostages so the killing was legit. Still, they were both gunmen if you pause to consider it. Both a man of the gun, the two of them was, and one still is. That was what Shine was saying to Man-Man who didn't agree, and so Shine challenged him to a fight. Wasn't much of a fight. Nobody fell in the fire and the dogs didn't bite off anyone's head. 

     The Plantation went away to a different town. Who's to say where, and who’s to say who took it. It won't be a plantation house where it's going or a house-house really either. It will exist like a flower exists, waiting to die. And it will eventually die. Everything in America dies. Most gunmen will die of obesity, not guns. However, for the record, The Dollar General General is fit as a fiddle. 

     We all try hard not to step on the flowers because that seems considerate but the only thing we're being considerate towards is time, and time doesn't seem like it cares much at all about us so we might as well just fuck it. Crush the flowers. Kill the guy with the gun. Make sure it’s the right guy, Man-Man says. You may only get one shot, and you can only restore something so many times until it ceases to be the thing at all.