adapted for/featured in book #34
💣 J O K E S 💣
a digital chapbook
by Sam J. (Jokeman)
Table of Contents
1 CUM2 STUBHUB.COM
3 HOW'S MY DRIVING
4 STING
5 JD SALINGER
6 LAUNDRY
7 LIGHT LUNCH
8 COAT CHECK
9 UNDER
10 STARVING
11 HORSE
12 BULIMICS
13 UNSUBSCRIBE
14 SUICIDE (BONUS TRACK)
𝟙 ▫︎ CUM
I'm kind wondering if the bathroom at work always smells like cum...
Or if it's only that way after I masturbate [laughs].
𝟚 ▫︎ STUBHUB.COM
Have you heard about this new website stubhub.com?
Yeah, pretty cool site...
You see what it is, it's a fansite for my husband's penis [laughs]. Stub like a tiny dick. And hubby as in husband [laughs].
𝟛 ▫︎ HOW'S MY DRIVING
I called up one of those "How's my driving?" bumper stickers the other day.
Yeah, yeah... first time caller, long time tail-gater [laughs].
The guy said, Do you want to file a complaint?
So I said, no, complaint? About what? What complaint?
Then the guy said, About one of our drivers.
Well... then it hit me.
I was just incredibly lonely and I had called this number because of the loneliness, and crippling depression [laughs].
𝟜 ▫︎ STING
So have you heard about Sting becoming a staunch capitalist republican?
Yeah, it's true. You know Sting... famous lead singer of The Police.
Yeah, I hear he's changing the lyrics to one of his song:
(singing) "Every little thing I buy is magic, every single product just turns me on" [laughs].
𝟝 ▫︎ JD SALINGER
I was thinking about JD Salinger the other day, you know him, the writer, he wrote Catcher in the Rye
Yeah, there's a guy who needed to get out more [laughs].
So anyway, I went to the pet store, on kind of an impulse, and bought a hermit crab
Guess what I named him?
Jim [laughs].
𝟞 ▫︎ LAUNDRY
So I was at the laundry mat the other day...
Yeah, yeah, true story, and the song "Horse with no Name" comes on.
And everyone in the place starts singing along to the "la la la" part.
And I immediately start screaming...
Fuck you! I'm trying to do my fucking laundry! Have some fucking respect!! [laughs]
𝟟 ▫︎ LIGHT LUNCH
So I was hanging out on my driveway the other day...
Yeah, real nice sunny day, have you seen these days, have you heard about them?
It's good to be outside on days like that... and so, you know, I strike up a conversation with the blacktop.
You know the pavement, my driveway... I sometimes like to talk to my driveway.
And so my driveway is really hot, really burning up, and I ask it, What's up with you, driveway, why are you so dang hot?
The driveway says, oh you know, "Just having a light lunch, that's all" [laughs].
𝟠 ▫︎ COAT CHECK
Society got along just fine before coat check.
There was no need to check your coat. Everyone was cool with just putting the coat on a chair or something.
But no, not now, now everyone's like (funny voice) OMG look at that coat, better check it... [laughs] please get it out of my line of sight [laughs] oh no that hideous coat [laughs].
𝟡 ▫︎ UNDER
I think I'm going to bet all of my money on the NBA all-star over/under.
You know, the over/under... That's where you wager on total number of points scored by both teams.
Yeah I think I'm gonna bet the under.
Then I'm going to go to my local bar and scream whenever anyone makes a shot during the game [laughs].
𝟙𝟢 ▫︎ STARVING
When people say they are starving I get mad sometimes, you know?
Cuz they aren't literally starving [laughs].
They aren't gonna die if they don't eat right that second.
I would assume people who are actually starving don't need to verbalize it.
You ever see people who are really starving? Ah, yeah, you can just tell [laughs]. They don't need to go blathering on about it [laughs].
𝟙𝟙 ▫︎ HORSE
I also don't like when people say they are so hungry they could eat a horse.
These people don't literally want to eat a horse.
Most of them I bet have never even tasted horse.
I know this because if they had, they wouldn't be making a joke out of it.
You wanna know why?
Cuz horse is fucking delicious [laughs]. IKEA knows what I'm talking about [laughs].
𝟙𝟚 ▫︎ BULIMICS
And then you have your bulimics...
(Bill Cosby voice) Oh what with the puking and the eating and the puking and the Jello pudding [laughs].
𝟙𝟛 ▫︎ UNSUBSCRIBE
I love when I get a confirmation email that I've unsubscribed from some email chain.
Cuz that's what I was looking for... one more email [laughs] Sheesh.
𝟙𝟜 ▫︎ SUICIDE
I think the true mark of a man is whether or not he commits suicide.
Have you seen this this, have you heard about this?
Yeah, apparently there's this thing where you end your own life instead of waiting for something else to do it for you [laughs].
Not a bad idea on paper, right? [laughs]
Cuz I think at this point we can all agree that death is at least slightly more desirable than living...
But the thing about suicide is that it's selfish.
You get to be dead but then everyone else has to not only continue living... but they have to clean up all your shit [laughs].
Literally and figuratively [laughs].
Someone's gotta mop you up, right? [laughs] I mean, depending on how you decide to go out, you can make it increasingly easier on THAT guy [laughs].
But there's still gonna be some kind of disposal [laughs].
And then your family and friends... don't even get me started [laughs].
They get to sit around for the next, oh I don't know, 25 to life [laughs], sitting around pondering... Just fucking pondering what the hell they did wrong.
Why? They wanna know. Why? How? Why? The central human dilemma, folks... the great lie.
We can't let anything be. We have to meddle inside our heads the whole damn time. Seriously, try... try to turn off the voice for one damn second [laughs].
Go head, I'll wait [laughs].
And the irony... the fucking irony, is that Little Joey Who Blew His Brains Out [laughs], he switched it off.
But at what cost?
I'll tell you the cost
- FIN -
