IF YOU DECIDE TO CLICK ON, PLEASE ENJOY THE FIRST 60 SENTENCES OF THE LONGEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN*. FORTHCOMING ON MY DEATHBED ~2066.

I dreamt of a flannel shirt that was so translucent I could sun my pecs in winter. Inventing new words is easy but making them look good in graffiti on your boss’s garage is hard. You can’t replace massage therapy with a pig roast but thanks for inquiring. One of these nights the table is going to strike back and start putting the food on our backs. Everything’s coming up aces in the meat town and the glimmer in your eye is an energy we can use to assassinate our shoes. It’s not that everything looks smaller here but that we grew larger than gorillas without noticing. Every breath you take comes from the toxic discharge of a factory in heaven producing special iPhones for angels. My cousin learned how to beatbox from a homeless man in Japan but he doesn’t use his mouth because he sold his mouth to an amoeba. The snobby mosquitoes prevented me from coming up with slogans all day at the cheese store. I threw a handful of marbles at a stray dog and President Obama cried. Shirt laundry is the best kind of laundry for every shirt there is. The coolest guy in the world owns infinity chickens and hatches out of each egg himself. Don’t dropkick a newborn animal even if they are on the endangered species list. Every time a bird poops on a monument a racist child gets braces. I stared into its eyes until back out the other side of its head blossomed the grandest ice cream sundae in the whole country. Even if you buy stilts you can still be scared of heights and ghosts and all sorts of things. All I wanted for Christmas was a new pair of walrus pajamas but I got a jumbo jet instead. At the asteroid kennel you used to be able to adopt a comet but the vending machine broke and they only got pebbles. Everyone should put an alligator inside their torsos before doing their taxes. A house full of cats is better if they are all wearing tuxedoes but I understand spandex suits are better in this economy. I fed my sardine flavored butt to butt jesus on the Fourth of July. It is sometimes fun to deface a cop’s beach house with glitter and neon crayons. I fell into the campfire seconds before the ice cream man handed out the flame retardant clothing. The shepherd tended to his flock of antique 9/11 bobbleheads. All the tiny people took pictures of their thumbs and taped them to the top of the monument. The largest drop of water in the clouds is five times bigger than an ocean so look out when it rains. It’s not good to think about food in front of a refrigerator full of human skin. All the animals at the mall turned into gorillas on the day the soda fountain died. The elevator stopped at every floor and we all transformed into a single giant ball of flesh by the time we reached the clouds. I shared my vegan ice cream with every soldier at the bottom of the well. The broken carousel grew umbrellas out of each horse’s eye socket and the children screamed with joy. Anyone’s skull will shatter if you pour enough milk into the eye sockets. There are warning labels on all the animals we eat but they remove them before the murder takes place. You can feel warm when it is cold outside if you superglue enough salami to the walls. The smallest mammals are the smartest because they can hide their food between blades of grass. I took the subway without my multiple personality disorder medication and we got out at every stop. All the blue pandas scoffed at the panda-colored pandas and other colored pandas because they didn’t exist at all. My Grandma traded her antique samurai sword collection straight up for a Diet Pepsi and rum. Fleshy birds land on the metal tree and only Obama can eat their meat. I wanted to paint the barn roof plaid but all the animals who lived in the main house cyber-bullied me into submission. The lone wolf armpit hair who pretends to be an albino crocodile’s goatee surely has no friends amongst the pack. My grade school art teacher set fire to his golf clubs on top of Dubai’s tallest building. The annoyed vest dined on plastic sandals with the naked chick. Take advantage of our special offer of no death on the american highway forever. The woman in the camouflage hat and tank top with a Sponge Bob backpack looked at the religious painting and held hands with her white T man. My dad built a walking bridge big enough for shoes the size of tiny cars. You can live inside a can of tuna for months if the wifi signal is strong enough. Amputated arms are in fashion in the land of dog woof doorbells. The man followed his heart directly into a river of poo poo casserole. His hardwood head had an itch and only a Nike swastika tattoo could ease it. Outside of the rodeo all the ladies stuck their big toes in the meat fountain. He ate fast food chicken nuggets until every blimp pilot landed to salute his bravery. We could run wind sprints straight into a painted a mirror and still not feel distinguished. Their shirts were the same red as the mechanical bull’s eyes which sought to crush their eternal spirit. Give the monsters in the night Hellmann’s brand mayo if you want to smell daylight again. Every tree is married to a bird’s nest and the divorce rate is 100%. Every animal is equal in our dreams of outer-space. The boy couldn’t hold two sticks of butter and five balloons at once. The crud escapes no subway car without bubbles. Weird stuff happened to a lady painted on the wall.

*from Words of the Ninja, by Jeff

0 Comments

Post a Comment