I went to bed last night resigned to the fact that I would have $0 in my sportsbook account. What would this have meant? What kind of man would that have made me? It would have made me a man with $0 in his sportsbook account, that's what. And I wouldn't have been able to bet on sports. That's what $0 means. I can't throw loose change at the Clemson/BC over-under tonight and expect the TV to vomit back a couple dollar bills if the teams score the correct amount of points. This beautiful man on the left (who is me), who––gun to my head––I would describe in a Twitter bio as "Sports gambling enthusiast, experimental pop musician and worst-selling author," in that order, would have been a man on planet earth with a decision to make:




But then I woke up and checked the final score of the football game. Arizona had 31 points when I turned it off last evening.

This morning, they had 33. And indeed the game had ended.


There is only one way to score two points in a football game, friends. And that is via the majestic play known as The Safety. Webster's Dictionary defines the safety as "a situation in football in which a member of the offensive team is tackled behind its own goal line that counts two points for the defensive team" [Source.] And I would agree with that. Now, not to toot my horn, but I predicted this rare scoring play. In my weekly TNF Prop Betting column, in fact.

That this safety occurred when it did: with 1:17 left in the game and the 49ers trailing by 10 is significant. The contest, for all intents and purposes, had been decided. If San Fran were able to drive 90+ yards in just over a minute with no timeouts, they'd still be a score down, and only anyone who had them +3.5 would care. But the safety... The safety brings hope. The safety brings life. The safety brings meaning.

I placed a $1 wager on "Will there will be a safety?" It's always great to place bets on questions. On some level, every wager is a question. But rarely are they so blunt. Will there be, or won't there be. Yay or nay. It took nearly the whole dang game, and its occurrence was so vastly meaningless on so many levels, yet to me, to this "Sports gambling enthusiast, experimental pop musician and worst-selling author," it's arrival was a beacon on a night full of darkness.

At the top of this post you can witness the carnage. That animated gif is the equivalent of setting a handful of money on fire. But out from the ashes rises a phoenix, and that bird's name is Jeffy Locks.

Jeffy Locks is a new character that was born last night, a new persona. He's a man who is going to turn the $8 that the good and powerful sports betting gods gifted him late last night, and he is going to turn it into $88,000 (so he can quit his job and open a professional alpaca content farm).

Stay tuned for my first official Jeffy Locks content post: A GUARANTEED WINNER OR YOUR MONEY BACK. It's coming later today. Love ya!


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